BBS Episode 1

Episode 1 - “The Oval Vanity Sink”

For the past three years I’ve work in a “Home and Garden Store”. I won’t name my employer but in this case it really doesn’t matter, it is the public that I find amusing. I have a thing about British people that makes me mental. They ask and refer to too many things that have nothing to do with the actual situation you are dealing with. I guess that’s why I love “Little Britain”. If you haven’t seen it you should. One of the things I love about the ‘Brits’ is that they make fun of who they are and how they react to things. The other thing that I am amazed by is that they don’t do anything about it and don’t seem to change. Maybe it’s their sense of comedy. In this next segment I will write in English but try to write in Brit as well.

Scene: The Vanity Sink Aisle of My Box Store

Woman standing alone, looking perplexed. I am passing by with an armload of faucet boxes surrounded by 4 customers all of whom are asking questions.

Brit: Excuuuuse me do yooou work here.......
Yes, I do.
Brit: I neeed some help if yer nawt too bizzzzzy!
I’ll be with you in a moment; as soon as I have helped these other customers.

2 minutes go by, I find the Brit pacing and muttering about the lack of staff to customer ratio. She is standing in front of the the vanity sink display.

Sorry to keep you waiting, how can I help.
(I’m thinking here it comes)

Brit: No probby,,,,,(as she taps her toe and standing with her back to the display, raising her arms she starts to make an oval shape, which is the identical shape to the sink behind her large Brit head)
Brit: I’m looking for a sinnnnk......it’s an ovaaaal in white enameled steel by American Standard buuuutt I can’t seeeem to find it . Can you help?

(oh fuck I think, raising my left hand I point over her right shoulder)
Similar to the white one behind you?

Brit: Ooooohhh, really? Is it white?
Why yes, it is American Standard white.
Brit: Is that bright white or warm white?
American Standard has a bright white.
Brit:Oooohhhhh
There is a pause as she ponders white.

Brit: Do you think my huuuzband would like it?
I’m not sure Maam, I haven’t met your husband.
Brit: He middle aaaaged, and baulding slightly overweeeeight.
I’m not sure Maam.
Brit: Does it commme in bowwnne?
Why yes it does.
Brit: I dooooan’t liiike bowwwnne!
Oh.
Brit: I think my faaaather woould like it.
That’s good.
Brit: He’s dead.
(fuck how long is this going to go on?)
I am sorry for your loss.
Brit: Diiied a number yeeears ago, tragiccc reeeally.
Sorry to hear that.
Brit: Wasn’t muuuch of a father but what can you do reeeally. I’m writing my memiors,
I haaave three children Bradley, Thomas and EEElizabeth, named after the Queen, the Queen of England of course. I was raised in a cult in South Aaaafreeca. Horrrible realllyy but fascinating. All raaather sordid really....... what a time I had as a child. Personal sacrifices, chicken sacrifices, develops you as a person reeeeally........... I require a toilet.......... Bradley is an accountant.
(Where is this going? I now have 5 customers watching and waiting)
Brit: I’d like one thooooose toilets then, how dooo I get oonne?
(pointing towards a box on the shelf) Like that one; how do I get it?
(the other customers have started to tap their toes on the concrete floor, time to wrap this nightmare up asap)
You place them on a cart and then you go to the cashiers.
Brit:Oooooohhhhhh
Do You have a cart Maaam?
Brit: Ooooh Noooooo
Did you want me to get you a cart?
Brit: If iiit’s no trouble.
No problem. (I slide an uncomfortable smile towards the other customers and then run like a maniac to find a cart and dispatch the Brit after prying her off my left teet)

This experience has lasted over twenty minutes. I deal with the next 5 customers all within 10 minutes and all leave happy. Life in a Box Store makes you tired.

Next Episode: What is the water level in these toilets?