How to get Lost.

I enjoy technology, most everyone I know embraces some form of technology. I like flat screen TVs, good stereos, my Nano, Digital Cameras my Blu Ray Player. Lots of stuff, fridges, stoves microwaves even my car.




I have a problem with GPS devices though. Get a map, it's old technology but at least you'll have a sense of where you are going. You can actually Google a location and figure out a course, then use your map. That's what I did last time I was on the mainland and had to go to Coquitlam.

I'm not saying a GPS doesn't have a purpose cause it does. When you have an accident GPS can send your co-ordinates to EMS. The police can track stolen cars, cel phones, and airplanes, all good things that is if it gets the location right.

For years I've heard 'Men don't ask for directions', which is true. Some lazy guy came up with the idea to eliminate the need to ask for directions. Hence the creation of GPS. The only thing that GPS doesn't do is say "Hey Idiot, you're Fucking Lost, you should have asked for direction or brought your map." Then it would be great.

Why am I on about GPS, well here's the thing. Yesterday I spent an hour and a half scrambling through the bush with The Duck and the TCD Hat . The Duck and I had called up the TCD Hat because we needed to know if this sunny knoll we found was in our new park or not.

Now this little adventure would have been fun if I was still 12 or 13 but at 58 scrambling over bush, through wild raspberry cane and dead falls with crotch pieces snags seemed not to fit into the fun category. It soon fell into the WTF zone after the first GPS reading. So much for GPS and the phrase, "We're almost on top of the pin only another 10 metres in this direction."

It was all good for ten minutes and then it wore a little thin. "We're not in park, the park is that way." By the time we found the eastern park boundary we had scrambled through about 3 1/2 acres of dense vegetation only to find (at least in my opinion) we were lost. Now that's when the GPS should have told us, "Hey you idiots you're fucking lost in the woods again."

You know how we got back into the park? We walked west towards the sun, that's how. The GP fucking S didn't tell us to do that. Fifty year old Cub Scout training taught us that. So here's my theory, if you want to get really lost in the woods use your GPS. If you want to go into the woods and find your way out, bring your cel phone, look for landmarks, check the sun and bring plastic ribbons to mark your path. If you keep finding your ribbons, you're walking in circle so make the phone call.

"Hi Honey, I'll be a while, I'm lost in the fucking woods again."

Just so you feel you have learnt something, a TCD Hat is a Tilley/Crocodile Dundee Hat.